Ask Ariel: Portland Slugger

Dear Ariel, 

My 6-year-old son responds to all conflicts physically. Whenever he is upset, he slugs his older brother on the arm. If he doesn’t feel well, he slugs his older brother on the arm. If he gets an answer from me that he doesn’t like, he storms around the room, preparing to slug someone on the arm. All this slugging isn’t really meant to hurt anyone and his brother shrugs him off as a pest. I don’t like it when he immediately hits when he gets angry or impatient. I don’t know how to help him. 

–Mom of a Slugger

Dear MOS, 

Physicality in communication is fairly normal for a 6-year-old child. Your son seems to be losing his ability to verbally express his feelings when he is upset, sick or disappointed. It’s great that you have noticed a pattern to his hitting and that his physical aggression really seems to be communication rather than intent to harm. These are good first steps to helping your son express himself in a healthy way instead of slugging his brother on the arm. 

I would start by speaking with both of your sons during a calm moment, long before there has been a physical altercation. Ask your older son to describe what it feels like both physically and emotionally when his brother hits him. Help your younger son understand what it feels like to get hit and how it affects his relationship with his brother. Let him know that it is not okay to hit your family. Explain that aggressive behavior is wrong. I have a sense that because your older son doesn’t get very upset when he is hit, that there haven’t been many consequences for this behavior. I would begin giving a consequence every time your son hits (like a time out—I call it a break). Be consistent and firm in your approach if you want this behavior to stop. 

Immediately following a slug on the arm, make sure to attend to your older son first and make sure he is all right. Remove your younger son from the situation and give him as little attention as possible, you don’t want to negatively reinforce the aggressive behavior. Ask him to calm himself down. If possible, try to speak with your younger child in a quiet, low voice. This will show your younger son that you are calm and in control of your emotions. Have a conversation about the behavior when he is calm and ready to talk; this might be as soon as an hour or as long as a day after the incident. 

You may also want to teach your son to create some space between having a strong emotion and physically responding to the emotion. Counting to ten, taking five deep breaths, learning some basics of mindfulness all can help children create a tiny bit of space between big emotions and unhealthy reactions to those emotions.

Originally published in Portland Family Magazine on December 1, 2015.